Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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