dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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