Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
