life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
