wake up i wanna do it froggy style
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
