Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
