I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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