I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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