So drunk its hurt
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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