she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
