you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
