I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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