I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
