Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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