My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
