sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
