Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
nutella sex= disaster
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
