hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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