Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
