so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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