my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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