I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My balls are so social today.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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