What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
