LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
