Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
