I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
