So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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