I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
