I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
