I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
