Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
