You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
