They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
