I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
