the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
