Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
