oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
