i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
