I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
