she woke up with a sticky ear
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
