so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
