Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
