I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
