I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I see more hoeing in ur future
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