You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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