so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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