The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
