____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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