i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
