I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
